A Super Tuesday Primer
Don’t listen to those public endorsements–check this handy guide to see who donated what to which candidate before you make your Super Tuesday choice.
In the great American political tradition of voting according to the opinions of famous people who know nothing about you and most likely have a terminal disconnect with your entire paradigm, I proudly present a terribly Photoshopped gleaning from about a half an hour putzing around at this campaign donation tracker. Of course, these aren’t actual endorsements, but really they’re better, and maybe offer some real insight into politics if you squint really hard. The celeb nominations are clearly partly motivated by hobnobbing (want that chat with Barack? It’ll cost you at the fundraiser–incidentally Barry Manilow donated to EVERYBODY, I just threw his Paul contrib. up to shore up support for Dr. Ron), but the few normal folks, in this case, self-identified as janitors, feel utterly sincere. Seriously, the guy cleaning up at El Azteco II donating $459 to Ron Paul? I’ve been to the original El Azteco, in East Lansing. Friends used to sling frijoles there in college. You can practically see Mr. Darling licking the envelope after saving up tips for a month.
But let’s not get all watery eyed, about the glories of Democracy and soft money, dear reader. There’s much fun to be had with this sort of thing. First, the easy targets. The Yankees. What, did the Boss send an email and tell everyone to give Rudy some money? Shouldn’t Rudy be paying the Yankees? All that facetime clasping the nation firmly on the shoulder in the wake of Giuliani’s pet tragedy practically built the base on which he burned upwards of $50 million. While he was going through cash like a preppy cokehead, an authority on the subject, Jay McInerney, tossed another drop into the bucket with $2,300 down.
More jock donations went to the Thompsons; Colts quarterback Peyton Manning sending some coin to good ole Fred and Saints running back Aaron Stecker paying Fred’s cosmic soul brother Tommy, former governor of his home state of Wisconsin and UW alum. Steck’s teammate on the Saints, Steve Gleason, sent 2,300 to Paul, along with an employee at SF’s Lusty Lady theatre, the only soul brave enough to use one of the various permutations (yes, we tried a few of them) for nude entertainer.
One of the funniest parts of the search engine (If you haven’t yet, while I applaud your dedication in this, the era of not paying attention, you should play with it. This’ll be here when you get back.) is searching by occupation. While “drifter” and “hobo” and “soothsayer” turned up empty (seriously, what is William Bennett if not the latter) plenty of funnies were had at the expense of folks like the Cleveland Indians’ John Martin, who listed his occupation as “Pitcher.” ‘Who’ you ask? That’s right JOHN MARTIN. of the CLEVELAND INDIANS. No, you’re not going crazy. Baseball Reference doesn’t think he exists either. A guy can dream, I guess, and falsify his occupation on political donation forms. Another along these lines which I foolishly omitted is Andrew Walter of the Oakland Raiders, who just put ‘er out there: “Quarterback.”
The democrats have their boosters, too. Obama’s gotten dough from Dave Eggers, Bright Eyes’ Conor Oberst, good old Judy Blume, Dave Matthews (of DMB, Inc.), wife Michelle ($399 bucks? Weird.), Chicago first baseman Derrek Lee maxed out at $4,600 and, on the other end of the baseball coin, Detroit Tiger starting pitcher Jordan Tata gave $250. Don’t stress, he hasn’t negotiated a Lee-sized contract yet. By far, the athletes were for Obama. Ellis Wyms, of the Seahawks, The Eagles Player Formerly Known As William Peterson (now William James), Roy Williams from the Cowboys and even sometime-Knick Steph Marbury–all gave Obama bucks. So while Lars Ulrich and Bonnie Raitt put their cash on Edwards, and Deepak Chopra and Anne Rice paid Hillary, Steph sent his money from a P.O. box in Durham, N.C.
I didn’t even touch actors or actresses; this thing is still ripe for fun. Have at it, and let me know if you find any funny ones. Remember, vote for the candidate you most want to be. If that won’t work for you, look and see who your idols are paying, and follow their lead.